How Perfectionism Perpetuates Stress (and what to do about it)
“When perfectionism is driving us, shame is riding shotgun and fear is that annoying backseat driver” – Brene Brown
First of all, let me just say that if you’re a perfectionist, I’m right here with you. I’ve been working on overcoming perfectionist tendencies for years.
When I was younger, being a perfectionist created so much stress and anxiety and often stopped me from being kind to myself. I held myself back from trying new things because I was afraid to fail. I constantly felt like I wasn’t good enough.
But on the other hand, I kind of felt proud of being a perfectionist. I strangely liked pushing myself towards unrealistic goals and feeling disappointed when I didn’t achieve them. I got used to feeling like I wasn’t smart enough or pretty enough or interesting enough. I simultaneously liked and loathed beating myself up over mistakes because I felt like I’d deserved it.
It wasn’t until I was studying psychology that I really began to see the impact of perfectionism and the limitations it placed on me.
I started to actually notice the self-critical thoughts, rather than just believing them.
I realised that I wanted to make mistakes and feel okay with them.
Rather than feeling stressed and anxious most of the time, I hoped to become more easy-going and self-compassionate.
And so, I started accepting that I was a perfectionist, while also looking for ways to grow and release perfectionist tendencies.
In this article, you’ll discover how perfectionism perpetuates stress and effective ways that you can start to overcome it.
But first, how do you know if you’re a perfectionist? Here are some of the signs.
(Please keep in mind that this isn’t a definitive list!)
You tend to feel dissatisfied with what you’ve achieved
When you make small mistakes, they seem like huge failures
Receiving constructive criticism feels hurtful to you, not helpful
You’re weighed down by fear of not being good enough
You find it difficult to feel proud of yourself and your accomplishments because you can’t help seeing the flaws
Rather than feeling motivated and excited about your goals, you tend to be pushed towards them by fear of failure
You set very high expectations of yourself and feel disappointed if you fall short
You find it hard to enjoy the journey because you’re usually focused on the outcome
When things don’t go to plan, you ruminate over what you could have done differently and beat yourself up
Sometimes, you avoid taking action at all because you’re afraid of failing
So, how does perfectionism perpetuate stress?
Perfectionism creates procrastination
When there’s pressure to be perfect, it’s a lot harder to get started on something. And then, you might feel stressed about the fact that you’re procrastinating. And then, you might not be happy with the final product or outcome and beat yourself up over not starting sooner.
It’s a funny little cycle, hey?
Perfectionism strengthens negative thought patterns
Psychologist Donald Hebb once said, “neurons that fire together wire together”. Basically the more you use neural-circuits in your brain, the stronger they become.
If you regularly think things like “I’m never good enough, no matter how hard I try” or “if I get this wrong, I’m a failure” or “I hate myself when I make mistakes”, these are the thoughts that will become stronger. And if you’re a perfectionist, these are the types of thoughts that are likely to be floating around in your mind on a regular basis.
So, perfectionism can lead to negative thoughts which can strengthen those negative thoughts, which can then cause stress and anxiety.
(But don’t lose hope! As you’ll find out later, you can also re-frame negative thoughts into more positive, helpful thoughts and strengthen those instead!)
Perfectionism doesn’t allow for mistakes
Being a perfectionist often means that mistakes are extremely distasteful to you and you’ll avoid making them at all cost. The problem is – human life is messy. No one is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes, both big and small.
For some people, that’s okay. They can apologise, learn and grow after mistakes without too much trouble. But for perfectionists? Mistakes can cause stress, anxiety, lack of sleep, rumination, depression, self-criticism, shame or anger.
Perfectionism pushes people to attain perfection in an imperfect world. It’s stressful!
Perfectionism turns errors into disasters
Not only do perfectionists try hard to avoid mistakes, but when they happen those mistakes seem like disasters.
I’ll never forget the time I failed my first driving test. I was so stressed about doing everything perfectly that I couldn’t think straight and made a simple error (classic!). When I found out that I’d failed, it felt like the end of the world. I thought everyone would be judging me and I told myself I was a loser and I kept imagining what I should have done differently. I didn’t want to tell anyone what had happened because I was so ashamed of myself.
For a perfectionist, small errors can seem like momentous disasters, potentially impacting on self-confidence when undertaking similar endeavours in the future.
Perfectionism can be exhausting (yet still keeps you up at night)
While perfectionism can be exhausting, it can also cause your thoughts to race and keep you up at night. And then, insufficient sleep can further increase your stress levels.
This is another example of an unhelpful perfectionism cycle. Chasing perfection creates stress, then stress keeps you up at night and the less sleep you get, the more stressed you might feel. Not fun.
Perfectionism tends to suck the joy out of things
Speaking of fun, perfectionism can really hinder you from experiencing it.
Have you ever been to a fun event and been too caught up in appearing perfect that you didn’t actually have fun at all?
Have you ever started engaging in self-care and felt like you weren’t working hard enough, so rather than appreciating self-care you just felt guilty?
Have you ever achieved something wonderful and rather than celebrating, you’ve already started planning to reach a bigger and better goal because suddenly, the first one wasn’t enough anymore?
Yeah, perfectionism can be a real joy vacuum. It likes to take away the pleasures of life and leave you with stress, instead.
Now, you might be thinking something along the lines of…
“Well, I’m a perfectionist now and I always will be.”
Let me just stop you right there.
Yes, you might always have the tendency to be a little bit of a perfectionist. But you can also start to change that (in a self-compassionate, understanding and gradual way).
I tend to be a lot less perfectionistic now than I was when I was younger. Sure, I might never feel 100% comfortable with making mistakes and I may always be a little bit too hard on myself. But I’ve also overcome so many of the limitations that being a perfectionist placed on me.
I’ve spoken on stage in front of a live audience and mixed up my words and still kept going (and been kind to myself afterward).
I’ve practised receiving constructive criticism and using it to grow, rather than seeing it as a failure.
I’ve replaced many of my negative thoughts about not being good enough with positive affirmations.
I was a perfectionist who felt completely controlled by it. And now, I’m still a perfectionist but with the ability to see my own perfectionism, understand it, and let it go. It’s not all smooth sailing, but I’m still learning!
How to Overcome Perfectionism
Below, you’ll discover 6 steps for overcoming perfectionism and click here to listen to episode 204 of The Mindful Kind podcast, which dives deeper into each step and offers helpful tips and guidance for implementing each step!
Step 1: Recognise perfectionism
Step 2: Show yourself compassion
Step 3: Re-frame perfectionistic thoughts
Step 4: Change perfectionistic behaviours
Step 5: Practice imperfection
Step 6: Reward yourself
I hope you’ve enjoyed learning more about perfectionism and how it perpetuates stress. Don’t forget to tune into episode 204 of The Mindful Kind podcast to learn more about implementing the 6 steps to help you overcome perfectionism!
I’ve mentioned self-compassion a few times in this article because I’ve found it can be a complete game-changer in overcoming perfectionism. Not only is it key to being less judgemental towards myself, but being self-compassionate throughout the journey of overcoming perfectionism has been super important! It gives me the ability to be kinder towards myself and it’s a practice I always try to use when I make mistakes these days.
If you would like to learn more about self-compassion, click here to listen to episode 153 of The Mindful Kind podcast or click here to find out more about my Self-Compassion Meditation Album.
With the Self-Compassion Meditation Album, you’ll be guided (by me!) to practise self-compassion using two different strategies. The first is giving yourself time and space to gently feel your emotions without judgement. This is an amazing technique you can use when you notice you’re feeling stressed, ashamed, angry, overwhelmed, or anxious as a result of perfectionism. The second strategy is using affirmations - positive thoughts that can help you encourage yourself to grow and allow for change.
Both of these self-compassion strategies can be super effective when dealing with perfectionism and by following my guided meditations, you can practise them in a safe space so you can learn how to apply them in real life!
