What to do When Life Feels Out of Control
Hello and welcome to episode 277 of The Mindful Kind podcast.
In this episode, I’d like to talk about what to do when life feels out of control. A while ago, I sent a survey out to my newsletter community to find out what some of their challenges were, and one thing quite a few people mentioned was that their lives felt “out of control.”
They were frustrated that they didn’t have much balance or time for themselves, they felt overwhelmed by things they had to do, and time seemed to be flying past too quickly.
Quite a few times, I saw a phrase along the lines of “my life feels like it’s out of my control” and “I feel like I’ve lost my sense of control and there’s nothing I can do about it.”
I really hope this episode might be helpful for anyone feeling a similar way and that you can use these tips to feel more empowered.
First, I’d just like to reassure you that if your life feels a bit out of control right now, you’re not alone. I’ve felt that way multiple times myself and I’ve heard from so many people going through different experiences but sharing that overall sense of feeling out of control.
There are two things I’d love for you to keep in mind. One, that you’re not alone. And two, that this experience is temporary. I know when you’re in the midst of a challenging phase it can feel like it will never end, but if there’s one thing that’s certain in life, it’s that things do change! Feelings shift and transform, we learn, we develop into new versions of ourselves, the world around us changes, we age, and each new day can bring both challenges and opportunities.
So, let’s dive into some tips for gaining more of a sense of control in life.
Tip 1: Make at least one small decision every single day that feels right for you
And you get bonus points here if the decision benefits your wellbeing in some way!
I did a little personal experiment over the last week because I’ve been thinking a lot about this episode. The experiment was simply to make one small decision each day that felt right for me. So, here are some examples of the small decisions I made and how they made me feel.
On day 1, I made the decision to go for a walk around the lake before work. I deliberately got out of bed earlier and went into town with 30 minutes to spare, enjoyed my walk around the lake, and then went to work. It seems like such a small thing, but it was my decision, and it felt great to be outside in the fresh air, watching the ducks swimming around on the lake and looking at the beautiful fresh snow on the mountains.
On day 2, I made the decision to meditate twice, once in the morning and once at night. Again, I felt a lovely sense of empowerment when I asked myself, “What’s one small decision I can make today that might benefit my wellbeing?” And then I followed through on that decision.
On day 3, I made the decision to take my mid-morning break outside and enjoy a cup of tea and a piece of banana cake without any distractions. I left my phone inside and I just enjoyed those minutes to myself in the sunshine with my tea and my cake!
Tip 2: Practice setting and maintaining your boundaries
Your boundaries can play a huge role in feeling more “in control.” When you don’t have boundaries or when other people constantly cross your boundaries, you’re probably going to feel quite powerless and like things are out of your control.
For example, if your boss asks you to do extra work on the weekend and you say yes, even though you don’t want to and you’d prefer to spend quality time with your family, you might feel like you don’t have much control. And potentially, by saying yes one time, you’ve shown your boss that you’re able to do extra work on the weekends, which might mean they’ll ask you do to the same thing again in the future!
Whereas if you implement a boundary by saying, “No, I’m not able to work on the weekend but I’m happy to do a few extra hours during the week,” you’ll be implementing a clear boundary and giving yourself a sense of empowerment.
I’ve spoken about boundaries quite a bit on The Mindful Kind podcast, so be sure to go and check those out if you want to learn more. In episode 254, you’ll learn about some of the types of healthy boundaries you can set, like physical boundaries, time boundaries, and emotional boundaries. And on episode 255, called “How to set and maintain boundaries,” well, you’ll learn how to set and maintain boundaries;)
Tip 3: Prioritise breaks
When you’re busy, rushed, and overwhelmed (especially for an extended time!) it’s understandable that you’d be feeling powerless. You might feel like your time is consumed by commitments and demands, and you won’t have time to think clearly about what you want. It’s kind of like riding a rollercoaster. All you can really do is hang on and let the rollercoaster take you wherever it wants to go.
Well, sometimes you need to get off that rollercoaster! Don’t just stay in your seat for ride after ride after ride. You need to take a break. Maybe that break is just for 15 minutes a day, an hour on the weekend, or a few days in a restful place so you can really unwind and recharge.
Whatever your break looks like, decide now when you’re going to take it, decide how you’re going to spend that break time, and prioritise it. And if you’re thinking “I don’t have time to take a break,” please, take a look at your schedule and find at least one task you can give up so you can take that break (or delegate that task to someone else who can help).
I’m going to finish up this episode with a word of caution. Yes, I do think we can give ourselves more of a sense of control and empowerment, but it’s important to also remember that we don’t always have control. And that’s ok!
There’s a cognitive bias (also called an error in thinking) which is “The Illusion of Control”. Basically, sometimes, we think we have more control over things than we actually do.
Just as a very small example, if you apply to rent a new home, you can do your best to fill out your rental application, get good references, and promptly hand in the application. But you don’t have complete control. There might be someone with stronger references than you, or they might be friends with the owner and have an advantage. And so they get accepted as a tenant instead of you.
It can be important to feel a comfortable sense of control over your life, but keep in mind that The Illusion of Control can trick you into thinking you have complete control, even in situations when you don’t. This can cause you to feel disappointed and frustrated when things don’t work out the way you intended, you might shoulder an excessive amount of blame, or you might get too caught up in trying to control situations that you can’t actually control.
Click here to listen to the next episode of The Mindful Kind podcast about The Illusion of Control.
Thank you so much for listening and I hope you have a wonderful week, Mindful Kind.
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