Managing Relationship Expectations

Hello and welcome to episode 318 of The Mindful Kind podcast.

Since Valentine’s Day is coming up, I’ve decided to create a mini-series about relationships! Not just romantic relationships, but also friendships, family relationships, and any other relationships that might be important to you.

Over the next four episodes, including this one, I’m really excited to share some of the ideas and strategies that have been really helpful for me in building meaningful relationships. In this first episode, I’ll be talking all about expectations, including how they can hurt your relationships, how they can strengthen your relationships, and how to manage your expectations well.

I think this topic is especially important because it’s so easy to develop unrealistic expectations that put unnecessary pressure on you and the people you care about. But it can also be unhelpful to let go of all expectations, too. It’s really important to find a healthy balance where you have some expectations in your relationships that allow your relationships to flourish and grow.

Expectations that are too high…

So, first of all, let’s take a look at relationship expectations that are too high or unrealistic. High expectations were a huge challenge for me for a really long time. I wanted my romantic partners to be warm, loving, thoughtful, and considerate all of the time and I never wanted to argue or make any mistakes. And I put that same pressure on myself, too. I wanted to be the perfect partner.

And those high expectations weren’t just present in my romantic relationships. I wanted to be the perfect friend, perfect daughter, perfect sister, perfect colleague. I didn’t want to make mistakes in any of my relationships. But I also expected perfection, or close to perfection, from the people around me.

That kind of pressure was exhausting, stressful, and hard and I think that’s why I spent so much time on my own when I was younger. I read books in most of my spare time and often spent lunchtimes at school either writing or dancing.

Building relationships was really difficult because as soon as something wasn’t perfect, I found it hard to move forward. But what I found even harder than building relationships was maintaining them. I just didn’t have the energy to keep pretending that I was perfect, and I highly doubt the people in my life enjoyed being held to such a high standard, either.

And there was another whole set of expectations that really hurt my relationships – my expectations about the future. I expected that my romantic partner and I would live happily ever after and predictably reach every milestone that I thought was important (at the time), like getting engaged, getting married, and starting a family. I wanted my friendships to unfold beautifully, where we would grow closer and closer and spend more time together and become best friends forever!

I had so many ideas about the future and how I wanted my relationships to be, that I didn’t enjoy them in the present moment or appreciate them in a way that actually felt good. It was like I had a perfect list of everything I wanted in all of my relationships and I had to tick each item off the list at the “right” time and in the “right” ways.

Let me just say that my expectations were far, far too high and instead of helping me create fulfilling relationships, those expectations did the exact opposite. I ended up with relationships that were incredibly inauthentic because I was pretending to be perfect and I think the pressure that I put on other people actually pushed them away.

Expectations that are too low…

So, you might be thinking that having expectations sounds terrible and it might be better to just let them all go. But I don’t think that’s the answer.

Expectations can still be helpful in a lot of different ways. Having expectations for the people in your life to treat you with respect and consideration is fundamental to developing healthy relationships. Expecting yourself to be respectful and considerate is important, too. Having an expectation that your romantic partner will be honest can be really helpful in learning to trust them.

So, I do think that expectations can play an important role in relationships. We deserve to be treated well by the people we choose to have in our lives and it’s fair to expect that. And expectations can create a healthy amount of growth and effort in our important relationships. For example, I know that my partner, Dec, expects me to communicate well and so I’ve really worked on my communication skills over the last 8 years, which has been beneficial for both myself and our relationship.

How to Manage Expectations in Relationships

So, with all that being said, I think there are a few important tips to keep in mind when it comes to managing expectations in relationships.

My first tip is to learn how to express your expectations assertively and compassionately. If you expect your friend to remember your birthday, then remind them about the date so they have a good chance to remember. You could say something like, “Hey, please don’t forget it’s my birthday on the 20th of June and I’d love to catch up some time that week if you’re available.”

If you expect your romantic partner to engage in a meaningful conversation with you at the end of the day, then tell them it’s important to you and why. Try to do this without placing blame or making them feel guilty. You could simply say, “I’ve been feeling a little lonely today. Could we sit outside and chat over a cup of tea?”

Expectations can be helpful and healthy when we learn to express them clearly and with room to compromise.

And this brings me to my second tip about expectations - learn to be flexible with them. You might have an expectation that doesn’t get met every now and then. And sometimes, that’s ok. I have an expectation that Dec will cook a few meals each week, but when he’s been working away from home and not getting back until late, then I’m happy to let go of that expectation for a while and do the majority of the cooking.

I’ve learned that my expectations don’t have to be set in stone. I can change them to suit my relationships when I need to and find compromises that might even work out better.

Just one quick thing to note about being flexible with your expectations is that it can be helpful to have higher expectations at the start of a relationship and let them relax when you build trust with someone.

I used to do the opposite. I set very low expectations at the beginning of a relationship and let people take advantage of me or treat me unfairly and then I gradually set higher and higher expectations. The problem with that approach was that I ended up in relationships that were unhealthy and one-sided. And also, I was trying to change the other person to fit into my expectations that grew more and more demanding which wasn’t really fair to them, either. Now, I set slightly higher expectations at the start of a relationship and become more flexible over time as the relationship grows stronger.

My next tip for managing expectations is to identify unrealistic or unhelpful expectations and practice letting them go. For example, I used to feel really anxious about change. I liked it when things were predictable in life, including my friends, family, and my partner. So, one of my unrealistic expectations was that my loved ones wouldn’t change. That they would be the same person tomorrow, next week, five years from now.

I remember when I was a young girl, my mum had really long hair down to her waist and she got it cut to just below her shoulders. And I was distraught. I ran into a bedroom and cried and wouldn’t talk to her and I remember my aunty trying to calm me down. I felt so betrayed by that small change (and I feel bad now for my mum who just wanted to get a nice haircut!).

But my point is, I had these huge expectations that the people in my life wouldn’t change physically, emotionally, or socially. And that’s an expectation I’ve identified and worked hard to let go of because it’s completely unrealistic to expect that the people in my life won’t change.

Now, one last thing before I wrap up this episode. Below, you can download a free copy of The Mindful Communication Guide which I created to help you practice being assertive, build your communication skills, and strengthen your relationships.

Make sure you stay tuned for the next episode of The Mindful Kind podcast which will be all about the power of presence in relationships and how to implement it.

Thank you so much for listening and I hope you have a wonderful week, Mindful Kind.

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