Letting Go of Past Mistakes

Hello and welcome to episode 282 of The Mindful Kind podcast.

In this episode, we’re going to dive into some helpful strategies for letting go of mistakes. If you’ve noticed that you become overly critical of yourself when you make mistakes and find it difficult to move on, then this episode is for you!

As someone who can be a bit of a perfectionist myself, I understand how difficult it can be to let go of mistakes - even the little ones. If I’m not careful, I can still end up kicking myself for mistakes I made a long time ago (things no one else would probably even remember!).

For example, when I met a friend for a cup of coffee a few weeks ago and I thought her baby was a boy, I said, “Oh, he’s so cute!” And my friend was like “yes, very cute, but she’s a girl!” I apologized, but it was one of those mistakes that I just found harder to let go of.

And a few years ago, I got really emotional and my partner Dec and I had a huge argument and I said some unkind things. I was kicking myself for ages and found it particularly difficult to let go of my mistakes so I actually went to see a counsellor for more support.

I even remember little mistakes I made when I was really young. I must have only been 10 years old and I tried to make a pavlova with my younger sister. But, we didn’t beat the eggs enough, so the pavlova was basically a bowl of eggy soup! And I felt really bad because we wasted so many eggs and I thought my parents were so disappointed in me for not following the recipe properly.

I could honestly go on for hours about the mistakes I’ve made in the past because they felt so painful and deeply uncomfortable at the time that it’s like they got burnt into my brain.

Now there might be various reasons why you find it difficult to let go of mistakes.

• Maybe you’re a bit of a perfectionist, too.

• Maybe you’ve experienced some serious consequences as a result of your mistakes so you’re often reminded of what you did wrong.

• Maybe you’ve developed some habits revolving around self-criticism.

• Sometimes, a mistake can hurt your ego or influence how you feel about yourself and who you are.

Whatever the reason might be, sometimes mistakes can be really challenging, so let’s take a look at some strategies for letting go of them!

Strategy 1: Turn your mistake into a lesson

Ask yourself, “What can I learn from my mistake?” I find this little strategy surprisingly useful. It shifts my focus away from just mentally beating myself up to thinking in a more constructive way.

For example, I was recently reading a great book called I’m So Effing Tired by Dr. Amy Shah (affiliate link), which I highly recommend if you’re looking for ways to boost your energy and overcome burnout. In the book, Dr. Shah wrote about how she was so exhausted and distracted that she caused a minor car accident and she learned from that experience that she wasn’t ok. She became passionate about learning more about exhaustion and burnout so she could look after herself better and hopefully, not make the same mistakes again. Not only did she learn how to increase her own energy, but she also wrote a book to share what she’d learned.

I think that’s pretty amazing really - that Dr. Shah turned a mistake into an opportunity to learn new things, which she then used to make a positive difference in the world.

Now, let’s just stop and think for a minute. What if she’d just criticised herself and mentally beat herself up for her mistake? She might have felt ashamed and guilty and it might not have led to anything constructive at all!

That’s why it can be so important to ask yourself, “What can I learn from my mistake?” You don’t necessarily have to write a whole book about it, but hey, maybe you’ll discover something new that could be helpful for yourself or other people in the future.

Strategy 2: Apologise for your mistakes

I have to be honest, I never used to be very good at apologizing.

I was so ashamed of making mistakes that I didn’t want to draw any further attention to them by apologizing. And I think not apologizing made it really difficult to let go of my mistakes because they felt unresolved.

Remember earlier when I mentioned that I accidentally referred to my friends’ baby as a boy when she was actually a girl? I quickly said sorry but I was so embarrassed I brushed over my apology. Then about ten minutes later, after we’d been chatting for a while, I said something like, “I really do apologize for assuming your baby was a boy, I shouldn’t have done that.”

And apologizing in a more meaningful way felt like it was the right thing to do. Sometimes, moving forward from a mistake can involve saying a meaningful apology or doing what you can to make up for your mistake (within reason of course - you don’t need to go above and beyond to make up for small mistakes!).

Strategy 3: Talk about your mistake with someone you trust

This strategy can be especially helpful when you’ve made a big mistake and you feel like you just can’t forget about it and move on. You might need guidance to figure out how to make amends. Or, you might need to identify overly critical self-talk so you can start to adjust it.

Like I mentioned earlier, I felt like I’d made massive mistakes during a disagreement with Dec a few years ago. I felt really ashamed of myself and couldn’t let go of my mistakes. I felt like I’d destroyed our relationship forever. Eventually, I decided that I needed support and guidance to process what happened and move forward. It was really helpful to meet with a counsellor and gain some new perspectives and identify the best ways to move forward.

If working with a counsellor is something you’d also like to do, then I highly recommend the sponsor of this episode, BetterHelp. If you’re looking for someone compassionate, confidential, and non-judgemental to talk to, definitely check out BetterHelp, which is a professional counselling service done securely online. No matter where you are in the world, you can login to your account at any time and send a message to your counsellor. You’ll receive timely and thoughtful responses and you can schedule weekly video (or phone) sessions, and then attend those sessions from the comfort of your own home!

When you sign up with BetterHelp, you’ll be matched with your own licensed professional therapist based on your needs and then you can start communicating in less than 48 hours. I also have a special offer for you, as a listener of The Mindful Kind, – you’ll get 10% off your first month when you sign up here.

If you’ve made a big mistake or you feel like you just can’t move on, it can really be helpful to find someone compassionate to talk to. A counsellor can be particularly helpful in this situation as your conversation will be confidential, so you can really be open and honest about your mistakes. 

Strategy 4: Stop encouraging yourself to dwell on your mistakes

I know, you might be thinking, “What are you talking about Rach, why would I encourage myself to dwell on my mistakes?” Well, let me explain what I mean.

In the past, I used to feel so guilty for making mistakes I basically encouraged myself to keep thinking about them. That way, I felt like I was getting properly punished for my mistakes. It was a bit weird because I made myself feel really bad about my mistakes and that made me feel better because I felt like I was getting what I deserved.

Interestingly, a study published in 2015 found that people who remembered their past mistakes were more likely to repeat their failures.

For example, let’s pretend I set a budget for myself, but then I’m having a bad day and I go online shopping and blow my budget. I feel really bad and criticise myself over and over, forcing myself to remember what I did wrong because I hope this will help me avoid making the same mistake in the future.

Well, according to the research, that would actually increase the chance that I’d make the same mistake in the future. It’s a bit strange, isn’t it! I used to think that when I forced myself to remember my mistakes, I’d be less likely to repeat them in the future. But no - it turns out that when people remember their past mistakes, they’re likely to put themselves in a bad mood and need to indulge in problematic behaviours (like overspending) to help boost their mood.

So, try not to force yourself to remember your past mistakes over and over again. Give yourself permission to let go and move on. I think there can be a delicate balance between learning from your mistakes versus thinking about them over and over to the point where you feel bad about yourself.

I really hope you find these strategies helpful in letting go of past mistakes. Please keep in mind that letting go of mistakes can be a delicate process and it can take some time and practice!

Thank you so much for listening and I hope you have a wonderful week, Mindful Kind. 

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