Emotional Vulnerability in Relationships

Hello and welcome to episode 321 of The Mindful Kind podcast.

This is the fourth and final episode of the relationships mini-series and I’ve really enjoyed sharing the last few episodes about relationships and some meaningful and practical ways to make them stronger. If you haven’t already, please go back and listen to episodes 318, 319, and 320 to learn more about managing expectations, being more present, and creating healthier relationships.

In this episode, I’ll be talking all about emotional vulnerability in relationships and why it can be so important, including a few tips I’ve found helpful myself.

So, if you’re emotionally vulnerable, it means you’re willing to acknowledge and talk about your emotions, including emotions that might challenge you, like sadness, insecurity, or anger. When you can be emotionally vulnerable in your close relationships in meaningful, respectful, and appropriate ways, this can lead to deeper trust, greater understanding, and potentially, more support. You might feel more connected with the people who care about you, and they might feel more connected with you, too.

It might sound simple and straightforward, but if you’re much like me, then you might find it difficult to let people see your real emotions, even if you do trust them and want to feel closer to them.

I spent a lot of time judging my emotions, especially when I was younger, and that made me try really hard to avoid talking about how I felt. For example, if I felt overwhelmed and anxious, in my mind I labelled that as a bad thing. I wanted to be calm and collected and unbothered all the time. So when I wasn’t calm and I felt anxious, I also felt ashamed. I felt like I was “failing” at being the person I wanted to be. And so I tried to ignore it and I didn’t want to talk about it.

But there are a few things I’ve noticed about emotions over the years. First of all, most people feel a huge range of emotions and it’s normal. Sometimes, I feel stressed because I’ve got real challenges in my life that I’m trying to figure out. Sometimes, I feel stressed for no obvious reason - it just happens. When my grandad passed away, I felt grief. Even now, just over 3 years later, I still feel sad sometimes, especially with my wedding coming up and the changes I’ve had in my life that I would have loved to share with him. Emotions come and go and make sense and don’t make sense and that’s all ok!

But I think it’s really important to acknowledge them and find ways to express them and talk about them without convincing ourselves that we need to feel ashamed of them.

The second thing I’ve noticed about emotions is that even when you don’t talk about them, sometimes the people around you might guess how you feel. They might guess right, they might guess wrong. But either way, we might know when someone we care about is feeling a challenging emotion. (Not every time because some people are very good at hiding their emotions.)

For example, my partner Declan can often tell when I’m particularly stressed. I get very fidgety and crack my knuckles and move quickly. In the early days of our relationship, I struggled to talk about my emotions and so I knew I was stressed, he knew I was stressed, but I didn’t feel like I knew how to acknowledge it or talk about it. So it created a bit of a barrier between us because I couldn’t be honest about how I was feeling and it was harder to move forward.

And that’s what can potentially happen when you don’t make an effort to be vulnerable, sometimes. You might think you’re protecting your relationship by only sharing the “pleasant” emotions and pretending like the vulnerable emotions don’t exist, but it can actually create more distance and less connection.

Maybe you’ve found it challenging to express your emotions, even when you’re with someone you love and trust. So, I thought I’d share some of the tips and strategies that have helped me become more emotionally vulnerable.

Tip 1: Practice acknowledging your own emotions with self-compassion.

Try not to judge some emotions as “good” and some as “bad.” Observe emotions with a little more curiosity and open-mindedness. And really practice implementing a bit of compassion, like you might remind yourself, “Hey, it’s ok that I’m feeling a bit stressed out.” Or, “It’s understandable that I’m feeling angry and frustrated.”

I actually created a specific meditation to help you do this on my Self-Compassion Meditation Album where I’ll guide you to make some space to simply acknowledge how you feel. It’s so important because the more you practice this, the easier it can become to notice your emotions and start to process them without shame or avoidance.

Tip 2: Write down your emotions and look at them from different perspectives.

If you’re not sure how to do this, I’ll share some helpful writing prompts. These prompts are designed to help you acknowledge your emotions without judgment.

1: How am I feeling right now?

2: Is there a reason why I’m feeling this emotion?

3: How does this emotion feel in my body?

4: Is there something I can do to support myself while I experience this emotion?

5: Have I felt this feeling before? When?

6: Is there something I can learn from this emotion?

7: Who would I feel comfortable talking about this emotion with?

The more you practice this, the easier it can become to acknowledge your emotions and talk about them with other people.

Tip 3: Practice being emotionally vulnerable with a counsellor or therapist first.

Sometimes, it can be quite scary to start talking about emotions, especially because the other person might not be used to it or know how to hold space or offer validation. I personally found it really helpful to start talking with a psychologist about my feelings before I started trying to be emotionally vulnerable with my loved ones.

I know it sounds a bit counter-intuitive, but it can actually be easier to talk about your feelings with a stranger than with someone you love. Just like when I’ve done speaking presentations, it’s easier to talk in front of a room of strangers than it is for me to do a speaking presentation with my friends and family in the room!

Tip 4: Start small.

You don’t have to bare your soul to every person you care about. Choose one person who you really trust and who generally listens well, and the next time you’re feeling something challenging, let them know. It can be as simple as saying, “I’m feeling a bit sad today” and letting the conversation go from there.

Be prepared to feel a bit nervous, maybe a bit awkward or uncomfortable. I know for me, being emotionally vulnerable tends to increase my stress levels for a little while at first, but afterward, I usually feel so much better. Not only do I get the nice feeling of release from sharing my feelings, but I tend to feel closer to the person I shared them with.

This is the end of the relationships mini-series and I just want to say thank you so much for listening. It’s been such an interesting topic to dive deeper into and I hope you’ve found some practical ways to make positive changes in your relationships.

Thank you so much for listening and I hope you have a wonderful week, Mindful Kind.

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