The Benefit Of The Doubt
Hello and welcome to episode 314 of The Mindful Kind podcast.
In the previous episode, Exciting Plans for the New Year, I talked about some of the key things I’m focusing on in 2022 and I mentioned that I’d like to practice giving people the benefit of the doubt more.
When I first started thinking about this concept, I did some of my own research and found some very interesting things, which I’m excited to share with you in this episode.
But first of all, I’d like to explain why I think it can be important to give people the benefit of the doubt.
I don’t think this is something I tend to do naturally because I still find it really easy to jump to conclusions, often negative conclusions. For example, if I spend time with someone and they’re acting disinterested or disengaged, I might start thinking that they don’t like me or that I’ve said something wrong. If I don’t know the person very well, I might assume that they’re unfriendly or cold.
Now, this can also be known as an “attributional style.” Someone’s attributional style is the way they describe life events to themselves. And this is a super interesting topic that really deserves its own episode. So, stay tuned for next week’s episode of The Mindful Kind which will focus on attributional styles and how to nurture a more positive attributional style;)
Back to this episode for now!
So, there are a few potential problems with jumping to negative conclusions about other people.
First of all, I don’t know that I’m right when I jump to a conclusion. Of course, it feels like I’m right! But just because I think I can see the whole picture clearly and jumped to a conclusion doesn’t mean I’ve made an accurate conclusion.
Secondly, jumping to a negative conclusion can affect how I feel, how I interact, and potentially, even how I treat the other person. If I’ve just met someone and I think they’re unfriendly, then I probably won’t try very hard to get to know them or develop a friendship with them. I might try to find someone else to talk to instead. I never try to be unkind and I do my best to be open-minded, but that’s harder to do when I’ve already jumped to a negative conclusion (like that they’re unfriendly or cold).
…However, that person might have had a bad day. They might be feeling nervous or shy. They might be worried about something completely different, which makes them seem aloof or unfriendly. There are so many different reasons why I might have perceived them as unfriendly that have nothing to do with me and also nothing to do with their personality or who they are as a person.
And honestly, I’ve been working on jumping to fewer conclusions for a long time! I’m a lot more open-minded than I used to be, but it’s still easy to fall into those old thought patterns.
But one thing I have found really helpful to focus on is… giving people the benefit of the doubt and consciously trying to practice that as much as I can.
Obviously, I’m not perfect, and sometimes, it’s really tricky to implement. Sometimes, giving people the benefit of the doubt isn’t always helpful, which I’ll talk about later on in this episode, too!
But giving people the benefit of the doubt has helped me feel happier and I think it’s improved my relationships, too. And my experience isn’t abnormal.
In a study published in 2020, 707 participants were asked to read about different scenarios like being ignored by a colleague or being stood up at a café. You know - the kinds of scenarios where we might jump to a negative conclusion or make a negative assumption about someone else!
Then, the participants rated the scenario on how much they thought the other person acted intentionally, how much they blamed them, and how angry they felt. The results showed that people who gave others the benefit of the doubt were happier compared to the people who didn’t give others the benefit of the doubt.
This study suggests that we tend to be happier when we assume other people have positive intentions, that they’re not trying to hurt our feelings, and when we don’t blame them for things that don’t work out.
So, I’d love to share some of my experiences with giving people the benefit of the doubt and explain why it can be such a good thing.
(Just by the way, I think that giving people the benefit of the doubt isn’t about making excuses for people or letting them take advantage of you, but more about not jumping straight to negative conclusions about them.)
The first thing I’ve noticed about giving someone the benefit of the doubt is that it’s decreased my experiences with stress.
Making negative assumptions about people didn’t exactly feel good. I remember lots of times when I was driving in Melbourne and I’d see people driving badly, I’d focus on thoughts like, “They’re doing the wrong thing deliberately and trying to be annoying” or something like that.
And I remember one time, in particular, I was feeling really frustrated because the car in front of me was driving really slow and it was a bit unpredictable and I really had to pay close attention. I was jumping to a whole lot of negative conclusions and getting more and more stressed out.
And several minutes later, the car turned down a street and I realised that the car in front of them had L plates in the windows, which means the driver was learning how to drive. Suddenly, the slightly weird speeds and unpredictability made sense, and I realised I’d been feeling stressed and annoyed at them. And I kind of wished I’d been more understanding and given them the benefit of the doubt much earlier!
The second thing I’ve noticed is that giving people the benefit of the doubt can help me feel more optimistic and compassionate.
When I’m trying to assume that other people are doing their best, even when they make mistakes, I generally feel happier and more understanding. Like the world is a better place, filled with nicer people.
And I think sometimes, giving people the benefit of the doubt actually creates a positive ripple effect. If someone’s having a tough day and acting a bit rude, and you give them the benefit of the doubt and act calmly and kindly, they might feel supported or heard and start being a bit nicer or more open.
And the third thing I’ve noticed about giving people the benefit of the doubt is that I forgive myself faster for my own mistakes.
The more I’ve treated other people with positivity and understanding, the easier it’s been to give those things to myself as well. A few weeks ago, I ended up running 40 minutes late to have lunch with some of my friends. I don’t even like being 2 minutes late!
And when I was younger, I would’ve absolutely mentally beaten myself up for that. I would’ve felt so guilty and like a terrible friend and spent weeks apologising and trying to make up for it.
But because I’ve been giving other people the benefit of the doubt, I unconsciously assumed that my friends would give me the benefit of the doubt and know that I didn’t mean to be late. It wasn’t that I didn’t care about seeing them or that I didn’t value their time, it was just that I made a mistake and lost track of time. (And that’s exactly what happened!) Of course, I apologised and I don’t make a habit of being late, but they gave me the benefit of the doubt in the same way that I would’ve done the same for them.
Now, as I mentioned earlier, I do also want to offer a word of caution about giving other people the benefit of the doubt.
Sometimes, people will let you down, hurt your feelings deliberately, or take advantage of you. That’s why I think it’s important to give others the benefit of the doubt, but not at your own expense. Keep yourself safe, maintain your boundaries, and spend more time with people who support you and genuinely care for you.
Keep in mind that just because you give someone the benefit of the doubt, that doesn’t mean you have to give them a million chances or maintain a relationship with them. For example, you might have a friend or family member you don’t get along well with. You can give them the benefit of the doubt and say, “They’re doing the best they can…” But that doesn’t mean you have to try and be their best friend or drop everything to help them out. You can think good thoughts about them and keep your distance. And I personally think that can be a healthy thing to do.
I hope you’ve enjoyed this episode about giving other people the benefit of the doubt. Don’t forget to stay tuned for the next episode of attributional styles because I’ll be sharing some helpful tips for developing a more positive attributional style (and why that’s so important!).
Just before I wrap up, I have something I’d like to ask you. Have you reflected on 2021 yet? Have you thought about the lessons you’ve learned, the positive things that happened, the relationships in your life, and the things that bring you joy?
If you haven’t reflected on those things yet, I have great news for you! I’ve created a beautiful guide with powerful journaling prompts to help you reflect on the year that’s gone by and you can get your copy for free just below. I think it’s so important to reflect on the year that’s gone by because it can help us tap into gratitude, and be more intentional about the year ahead.
Thank you for listening and I hope you have a wonderful week, Mindful Kind.
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